The Only Thing I Know: A Mom Blog of Slacker Proportions

Bad Dog!(Weekly Winners, FAQs, and Other Various Nifty Things to Link To)

Hmmmm... Didn't take too many pictures this week that I haven't already posted ... Although I did take quite a few the evening before last while we were hanging outside slapping meat on the grill (and, NO, that's not a metaphor for tanning), but I didn't pay enough attention to the settings on my camera and ended up with weird-colored pictures. And not that good kind of unique weird like this one, we're talking "you're daddy must've been a Smurf" kind of weird.

Like "We're not in Kansas anymore and Toto just defiled the Yellow Brick Road" weird.

Or "Dude, Photoshop HATES you like a fat girl hates magic chocolate astronaut cake" weird.

I'm sure it was Peter's fault.

You'll have to give me a few minutes to work out how, though...

However, I did update my Ask Judith section with a handful of the questions that  you all (read: y'all) have taken the time to ask over the last month. I only threw a few in there, so if your question isn't up there yet; fear not.

I'll get to it.

In a minute.

Not in a minute, Mama! Now!
I said, "In a minute." Now leave me alone, I'm blogging.

I've also added a little "Where I Am" player in the sidebar (Read: that column over there with all of that stuff that interests me probably a whole lot more than it interests you, but you continue humor me because you're cool like 'dat...) that will have a little daily something in it for your listening pleasure.

Today, it's Cat Stevens...

Tomorrow, it may be a mini-podcast of me discussing the pros and cons of being married to a man who actually says, "What'd she mean by Save the Empire?"

Or maybe just a little Ben Harper.

Because we could all use a little more Ben Harper in our lives right now.

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Be sure to take a few moments to stop by and visit other fabulous winners by clicking ---->HERE<----. I'll be stopping by later this evening to pay my visits. :)

So You Can Do Long-Division Now, Right?If Not, You're Grounded.Forever.

Will someone please explain to me why it is that a child will only willingly and gleefully choose an apple for his afternoon snack when you've only one apple left in the fridge?

One apple that was previously scheduled to be eaten as your afternoon snack?

One apple that you don't really want to eat but will because you're dieting and therefore hungrier than you've ever been in  your entire life?

Definitely  hungrier that that little shit has  ever been in his entire life.

Why is it that when you finally grudgingly give him the apple  (because who really says no to kid who wants an apple) and resolve yourself to that sad little stalk of celery (which is definitely NOT the last one), does your husband feel that it's okay to roll about the floor in hysterical laughter at the look on your face?

Sadists.

Oh oh Oh oh oh...(Haiku Friday)

Kids grown into men-
same old song and dance, I see.
Is this the Right Stuff?

Old habits die hard-
Ticketmaster, here I come.
Our love, hanging tough.

I ku. You ku. We all ku. Click here for more Haiku Friday.

I've Changed My Mind...I'd Rather Be a Groupie

 

Just because the magical little bag of powder can turn into a low-calorie chocolate cake that looks this good in less than a minute, that doesn't mean that it doesn't taste like a kitchen sponge deep-fried in a lot of nothing.

Things to Be When I Grow-Up:
Doctor
Lawyer
Astronaut
Veterinarian
Rock Star
Actor
Reporter
That person that gets to wipe the sweat off of Beckham after a game...

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Down another four pounds this week- which makes (7+3-1+4) thirteen pounds in three weeks. And, though it was an inner battle of immeasurable violence, I managed NOT to beat up that little old lady eating that Snickers in the check-out aisle at the Wal-Mart.

Someone owes me an invisible cookie.

Words(100 Word Challenge)

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It's been a few weeks since I participated in the 100 Word Challenge... This week's entry is actually a re-vamped piece from 2006. It originally had 86 words, and I've beefed it up a bit to be eligible. First is the "100 Words" version followed by the original "86". So can you do it? Can you finally answer that age-old riddle... Is less really more? (And we're not talking about blue eyeshadow here, people.)

(Want in 100 Words)

The honey drips softly, sweetly,

thick and heavy from your lips.

I taste your breath but briefly,

and suckle at the delicacy you boldly deign to offer.

 

All that is elegance and beauty, your hands quick to roam…

Smug in their discovery:

content with these small indulgences of their own.

You smile as you taste my shame.

 

I labor against your hold.

I bloom, blush, unfurl…

Speaking softly to your hips, I grow bold.

You press closer and smile your knowledge.

 

I quietly sob, rage, then soften.

I taste of you and you of me-

The honey all but forgotten.

(Desire in 86)

The honey drips sweetly,

Thick and heavy from your lips.

I taste your breath but briefly

And suckle at the delicacy you offer.

 

Your hands roam with elegance and beauty

In search of an indulgence of their own.

Smug in your discovery,

You smile and taste my shame.

 

I labor against your unspoken hold.

I bloom, blush, unfurl…

Speaking to your hips, I grow bold.

You press closer

 

I sob, rage, then soften.

I taste of you and you of me-

The honey all but forgotten.

 

Ain't Nothing Gonna Break My Stride...(Damn the Man.)

When you're a  toddler, you know that every path is a long one.

Every journey an arduous one.

You're feet are much smaller; your stride much shorter....

And let's not forget those damn kid leashes.

When you're a toddler,  you know the importance of that first step...

(When you're Confucius, you know that you've got 1,999,999 more to go.)

When you're a toddler, you imagine lollipops the size of your head awaiting you at the end of this tunnel...

Or perhaps Mickey Mouse.

(I don't know; I'm not a toddler.)

When you're a toddler, "The Man" takes on many forms.

He's the guy or gal who's pushing you into bed in the middle of the afternoon when you'd rather be doing anything other than "napping". The one who's hiding the candy on the top of the fridge where there's no chance of you ever reaching it. The one who's pulling you out of that mud hole when you're just getting to the part of actually tasting those mud pies that you've spent your entire afternoon making.  The one who's still firmly saying "No"- even when you've been holding your breath for the last five minutes in protest.

He's the guy that suddenly appears in the cute black and white shots of you climbing up the big slide for the first time.

And no matter how friendly his smile is, he will try to take you down.

When you're a toddler, you know the importance of a well-placed kick in the face.

The groin is the better choice, of course.

But when you're a toddler, you've already come to the realization that you don't run very fast-

And "The Man" does.

When you're a toddler, you're still surprised to find "The Man" one step ahead...

No matter how many times you'll climb this tunnel only to be greeted by the same outcome.

But when you're a toddler, you're fine with all of that...

Because deep down inside you know that one day you will be able to run faster than him...

And that that long-planned kick to the groin will be more than justified.

Pipe [Cleaner] Dreams...(Weekly Winners)

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I hope you all are having a lovely Mother's Day! Be sure to take a few moments to stop by and visit other fabulous winners by clicking ---->HERE<----.

Hair Product Weighs At Least a Pound, Right?(Fat-Free Friday)

So Friday is actually almost over here in my neck of the woods cow field... which means that I'm getting this FF Friday in just in time.

According to the scale yesterday, I was down a three more pounds this week- for a total of ten pounds in two weeks.

According to the scale this morning, I gained back half of one of those pounds overnight.

I'm totally blaming that extra coat of "Not Really a Waitress Red" that I slapped on my toes last night...

Although considering how fabulous that extra coat looked in my new Anne Klein heels this morning as we clickity-clacked our way to the Mother's Day Tea Party at Little Man's school, I'm cool with it.

Seriously, seriously fabulous.

So fabulous, in fact, that I might pack them and that bottle of "Not Really a Waitress Red" and head on over to MommyTime's place for a little [shoe] orgy.

But not tonight.

Because tonight, I'm kind of feeling like shite warmed over the easy bake oven way:

Burnt at the edges and awfully gooey in the center...

But *three* pounds lighter- which compensates tremendously for that "Easy Bake Oven Shite" aftertaste, now doesn't it?

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Oh! But yesterday's post? The one with the southern gal hair and "silly white girl" sunburn? It was obviously invaded by some visiting dignitaries from Happypuppykittyrainbow Land whose national customs obviously include such rituals as seeing how big a girl's head can grow in one post and how many times the word 'Hawt' can be used before it's officially added to Webster's...

And they are all more than welcome here any time.

Matter of fact, I've got a few of those air mattress things hanging out in the attic, I'd love if you'd all just move in.  Permanently. :)

... Whose Idea Was This Anyhow?(circa 1997)

So it all started with LaskiGal posting a picture of some hot chick on the way to her prom... And then Nissa followed suit.

And when the blogging queen herself just showed up in my reader dressed to the nines with PEARLS, I just couldn't help myself.

So without further adieu, I present Judith at the Prom... Notice the righteous Southern Gal hair and "silly white girl doesn't know any better than to fall asleep in the sun two days before senior prom" sunburn.

But the dress was kickass.

The date was nice (not nice enough for me to remember his name... but nice nonetheless).

And my ass was a different kind of 'fat' altogether.

Sigh.

The 'Oh Shit, I Dropped the Baby' Face(Wordless Wednesday)

Click on the picture to enlarge and see the whole story: